7 years for a marriage or a long term relationship is commonly known as the year of the 'itch'. Contemplating some turbulent decisions or re-evaluating the relationship in general, this is the year it happens, but this doesn't necessarily mean that time is up at this point, it's just the idea that maybe the relationship has become a bit stagnant.
It is all too easy to get stuck in a rut and some effort to make each other feel special is overlooked, so do you jump over another hurdle together or do you agree the spark has disappeared and you go your separate ways?
Overwhelmed by the years flying by so quickly and with life, children, expectations or relocations occupying 90% of those years, it really is no wonder that you might forget about making each other happy. Going back to the beginning of the relationship when everything was brand new, going on dates and asking important questions, it was a time of excitement and butterflies. It is only natural that this feeling fades but for some people, they really notice it's absence.
I was married to my daughter's father for 6 years when we decided to split up. We didn't quite make the 'year of the itch' but were only 3 months from it. Now I know this wasn't a coincidence, because things weren't great anyway, but one thing I can use in comparison, is that we had reached that moment where we knew our marriage was over. We couldn't go on any longer together being unhappy, we just couldn't jump that hurdle, we were tired.
So let me try and explain where I'm coming from and list below some common reasons this might actually be a thing:
The honeymoon phase
This is aptly named for the beginning of a relationship/marriage being the period the couple are excited, sometimes at the very mere sight of their partner. There's so much to explore together, holidays, the physical world of each other's bodies, moving in together and getting to know extended family. I know I can see you smiling, you remember it well, so do I. That's why we forget in later years that that phase existed and has well and truly disappeared.
Decline in satisfaction
Whether we agree or not, everyone has needs and expectations, yes these are meant to be dealt with as a couple cautiously and gracefully, but they can often be forgotten too. When this is happening early on in the relationship, it's time to either speak up or move on, never to be ignored.
Loss of love
To some people on the outside of your relationship, they can not grasp the idea that you have separated with someone because you didn't love them, but what do they know?
Being honest with yourself is literally the best thing for everyone involved, I would know. Yes I broke up my family but not loving him was already making things extremely difficult at home and our daughter was seeing it all, that was only going to escalate to worse situations later in the future unless we pulled the plug.
If there is loss of love between you, you should consider what underlying issues are causing it and why. Talking about it between yourselves first might sound tricky but you may also find your partner feels the same and actually wants to clear some air or vent their feelings.
Same old same old
We can sometimes become dependent upon others around us being our shoulder to cry, our muse or just simple company in a moment.
But why do we fall out about the same old things time and time again? Wasting our breaths and explaining things repeatedly is just pure exhausting, if you're not willing to forgive, this will always be an indication that you're not willing to change either.
Then there is the physical side of things too, a same old same old place you go to or a mundane routine, can all lead to loss of interest. Doing things you love together, exploring new things and being happy in that moment, can help break those old traditions.
Disagreements
This one is pretty obvious, if disagreements are not a distinguishable sign then certainly a combination all the above is. Too many disagreements in any relationship, whether it's about work, home or children is quite unhealthy, some common triggers are;
Miscommunication
Negativity
Name calling
Lack of resolving problems
On the plus side, experts say disagreements can sometimes be a good thing, making you stronger together to overcome hurdles. But when is enough enough? I knew personally I could not cope with our disagreements causing tension and unhappiness, I knew my breaking point had been met.
Stats
Here's a few statistics to illustrate my point.
- In 1990 the US recorded divorces taking place, was after an estimated 7.2 years into a marriage
- In 2010 China reported divorce rates at an estimated 5 - 8 years
- In the UK marriage counsellors reported 12% of their clients were seeking advice at the 5 year mark
- And finally only 50% of marriages remain together for life
When all is said and done it really is more to do with the marriage itself than the number of years logged together, we know this, but recognising the signs, being aware of things slipping and acting upon them can only help strengthen your relationship.
My advice
Sit down with your partner and write down 5 things that made you realise that they were the one, and then if things get tough, just remind yourself and consider if those things are still there, it might just cool that itch.
So, is the 7 year itch a myth? I'd love to hear from you.
Have you ended a relationship in the 7th year?
How many happy years have you and your partner celebrated recently?
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Comments
We certainly went through a tough patch around the 7 year mark, about a year after having our baby. Things change a lot, that you're maybe not ready for, and one just has to get on with that change while the dad often has to change less so doesn't understand why thing have changed. We're still together and now at 18 years. But it's hard to hit that point and know what to do
Thanks Emma for sharing your experience here, it can take just one in the relationship to think about other experiences maybe and the dynamic changes instantly.
Interesting information on 7 years of itch. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for reading
I haven’t been in a relationship for 7 years or more. Me and my partner have shared our 2 1/2 year anniversary. I can understand reasons why relationships could become difficult. Wow, those statistics are interesting. Thank you for sharing this post.
Lauren - bournemouthgirl.com
They are interesting aren't they, I wonder if up to date figures have increased? It's a scary world we live in.